The Silly Side of Moscow

Zdraztvoychey! That’s phonetic English translation of Russian for “hello!”.

As many of you know, we did something a little crazy this weekend: we went to Moscow. And no, not Moscow, Idaho, the real deal. Bears, vodka, caviar, hammers & sickles, big furry hats, pickled…everything, you know the place. Some twelve million people strong live in this largest city in Europe, and we knew virtually nothing about them until this weekend. But rather than educate you like a Travel Channel special with Samantha Brown waltzing around making bad jokes while spending absurd amounts of money, you get the selected list of observations I call, “The Silly Side of Moscow”. Ready?

Red Square – It’s big, it’s beautiful, it’s surreal in its grandeur…and it’s not red. Gray cobblestone is more accurate. Don’t let the colorblind Russians fool you. Also, if you want job security better than any union labor job, sign up to be one of the cobblestone layers we saw here. With several million stones to lay, your work is literally never done.

Kremlin – Yes, Vladimir Putin and his henchmen still work here, amongst the flocks of tourists and the old communist buildings. But what’s all the fuss about? A really big bell (the world’s largest) with a huge crack, and a really big cannon that doesn’t shoot. Beautiful grounds, steeped in history, but the $11 we paid plus an hour in line wasn’t really worth the cost. Plus, no Vlad sightings.

Graffiti – The train ride into the city from the airport confirmed a few things about graffiti to me: 1) It’s equally illegible no matter where you are in the world and, 2) About the same percentage of it is in English, no matter where you are in the world (U.S.A. included). This leads me to believe that gang members internally are either complete morons collectively, have invented their own language that none of us can read, or simply enjoy the act of completely random scribbling. Some of my favorite graffiti marks included: “Motley $%!ing Crue” and what I believe was a failed attempt at swearing in English, “Duck!”.

Russian Mullets – You connoisseurs of that special haircut, the mullet, may note that the Russian mullet isn’t quite what we are used to in the States. The hair on top is less spiky, and is generally shorter and lies flat on the head, but the long hair keeping the neck warm is still there. Most Russian men wear this style proudly. The comment made by our gate agent at the Domodedovo Airport comes to mind, “You Americans have beautiful husbands over there to marry.” While we usually marry singles rather than husbands (most of us anyway), I think this it’s clear that the Russian mullet might be a tad more popular with the men than the women. And they wonder why the Russian population is declining?

Heels & Prostitutes – No, not real prostitutes, but come on Russian women you’re making even this fashion-challenged author cringe! Leg nets, stiletto boots pulled over the jeans (often in hot pink), miniskirts in forty degree weather, the whole nine yards. Is this retaliation for the prevalence of the Russian mullet?

Pickling – The food shortages of the Soviet Era that required pickling EVERYTHING for storage are over. Let it go people, those tomatoes taste just fine on their own.

Crapdogs – Need I say more?

Handicapped – Lord bless you if you’re physically challenged in this town. The handicap “ramps” found everywhere are essentially just rusted platforms better fitted for carry-on luggage being rolled up the steps than a wheelchair. My advice if you’re handicapped and living in Russia: Move.

Lambos & Lenin – There is something odd about there being an embalmed dead dude just a few blocks from a Lamborghini dealership. Or maybe that’s just me.

Borat – I recognize Kazakhstan is a neighbor, and not part of the country, but I highly recommend using the phrases in your best Borat voice, “Great success!” and “High five!” with your traveling buddy as much as possible. You are likely to find this much funnier than the local people do, but don’t let this stop you.

Karaoke Barge – We didn’t get to go cruising on this glorious vessel. But rest assured people, Karaoke appears alive and well the world over.

McDonalds – Their ubiquity here is not quite as bad as back home, but seriously? My favorite part is when I asked the concierge if she’d recommend any of the scores of restaurants on the same street as our hotel. A concierge should never EVER start the next sentence with, “Well there is a McDonald’s two blocks away.”

Meat – There’s no way to say this without you all giggling like little 14 year old boys, so I’ll just say it: I ate beaver. Yes, beaver is actually a delicacy of sorts here, and it tastes quite good. It’s hard to describe, other than it is definitely not-chicken-like.

Asians – We were shocked by the number of people of Asian descent in this city. Weird example #427: eating dinner at a Uzbekistan-themed restaurant, being served by a Korean woman, who apparently only spoke Russian.

Pigeons – One of my universal maxims is that the pigeon, noble creature that it is, not only can be found in virtually every major city (I haven’t traveled to East Asia yet, so I am open to being wrong here) but they look identical everywhere. No variation in size, shape, plumage, ability to walk in a straight line, etc. Eat your heart out Charles Darwin, you’ve just been debunked by the world’s dumbest bird.

Siberia – For all of you back home who commented along the lines of “Won’t it be freezing while you’re there? It’s in Siberia after all.” (you know who you are). I’m going to encourage you to grab your nearest map or globe and then proceed to undertake the following:

1. Open hand
2. Face palm upwards
3. Smack forehead with open palm
4. Yell “D’oh” in your best Homer Simpson voice

While my inherent propensity to focus on the ridiculous sometimes leads my mind a little far afield, Moscow truly was a great experience. Beauty, culture, history, and Russian Doll vendors, are everywhere in this huge metropolis on the Moscow River (aptly named). We may have only gotten a taste, but like the taste of a fine Russian vodka, it was a good one (and it burned less). So next time you’re in the neighborhood, we recommend swinging by and give all those caviar-eating mullet-wearers a big “High Five!”